second post

9-30-24, 12:15p

I can tell the others are wanting a different job, and to be frank I think I feel similarly. I've been feeling a lot of sadness surrounding my ability to make friends, specifically with my coworkers and how I relate to them. They seem to at least get along with me but I don't think any of them want any further sort of friendship with me in any way, which makes me sad. I'm missing Seattle a lot lately. I'm missing the familiarity of the location, and the security of my job, and I'm missing the kids I was close to. I'm missing Chuck and I'm missing the ability to spend time with him. Admittedly I think I'm feeling a little in-waiting for him; he's been busy lately, which I have great patience for, but I miss talking to him and it feels like I haven't been able to speak with him much lately. No fault of his, or of mine, it's simply the way things currently are. I'd love to see him again. Ariadne seems to be feeling better, though I don't think she's quite feeling well enough to be comfortable with fronting by herself. Lyndsey is Lyndsey, as per her usual. Constance seems tired, and I can tell that she misses Utah, and misses feeling like she's geographically "home." I think we're all having a hard time adjusting to the new location, in different shades. We're all big fans of San Francisco, and we're learning to love various bits of Oakland, but there's no grander scale of familiarity around us, and we're feeling exceptionally isolated, which is exacerbated by the difficulties I've been having with making friends at work, the difficulties Lynz and Ari have been having with making friends in general, and the fact that we feel so far removed from the people we were close with in Seattle. I think we're in the midst of feeling an incredible amount of loss and loneliness. No man is an island, and neither is Oakland, but we're feeling it. The other day my old supervisor from the French-American school sent me a video of the child I was closest with. Mashallah he's so big now, and so tall. I miss him. I think there's a sadness I feel in occupying a body that does not feel like mine, greater than that of the general sadness I feel in occupying it. I want a child, and I want for it to be my child. My child, who bears my resemblances, who I can carry and give birth to. I mourn the family I may never have in this life and pray inshallah that in the next I am worthy enough to be granted that which I seek. I carry within me a great deal of want and waiting and loss for things that are simply not mine to lose. Allah forgive me, I hope to be better.

first post

9-23-24, 10:45p

My first blog post outside of tumblr!! How exciting! I'll admit, it's far past my bedtime as of now so I don't have much to say... I realized today at work that I feel like I act a lot like our mother... Much to think about. Goodnight !