monday, september 30, 12:04 PM

today would've been andrew's birthday. i wouldn't have remembered but my body did for me. a couple days ago i woke up and just started crying. he showed up in my dreams a few nights ago. i've been fantasizing a lot lately about being in utah. i think the general consensus of the system is that we're having a hard time here. things still feel transitional and unsettled. we don't have a lot of friends and i don't think we're feeling very financially or socially secure about our job. it's hard getting to know people and hard making friends. i can feel everyone else sort of dipping our collective toes into our escapist tendencies. thinking today about pops. he's apparently in paris right now, so saith mother. last night i watched some fuckass movie where they made an axl rose comment, and pops was friends with him in the 80s, which got me dwelling, i think. it feels painful. i don't like thinking about him. he never trusted us and we don't trust him. week before last, after we watched fire walk with me, it clicked for lynz and i that we have some memories with him that our body remembers but we don't. i hate when people say i'm "so strong" or it's so nice that i have so many mechanisms to keep me safe. it feels degrading. i don't want to have mechanisms and it feels comical and ridiculous how "tragic" our life has largely been. getting tired of it. don't call me strong just meet me where i am.

wednesday, september 25, 9:21 PM

it's just been me today. ari hasn't popped in for more than a couple minutes at a time, lynz generally only Sometimes likes being near/at front, and sofi's been having a rough couple of days. i think she got upset yesterday about her coworkers not including her in a little game they were playing, and then this morning she got really sad about not being in seattle anymore. i think she misses her old job at the preschool. i think she misses having friends. i know she misses chuck a lot. i think she still feels a bit bruised about the whole chuck/vibs thing, but i don't think she even knows she is. in the headspace i can see her get defensive and sad about not being able to spend time with chuck anymore. i know she wishes she had her own body. sometimes i feel a little bad for her. she doesn't like that she shares a body with us. she doesn't like the body in general at all. she believes pretty wholeheartedly that in the next life she'll be rewarded for her strength with a body of her own, and for her sake i hope she gets it. she deserves it. she deserves not having to share a being with us. i wish i could do more for her. sometimes i catch myself wondering if it's me or ari that's actually the core personality. ari and i have been around for practically the same total time. we have a lot of similarities, but a lot of differences. makes me wonder. i wish the best for all of us. i really do. i don't ask for much for myself because at this point just being alive is kind of a gift in its own right, even when it gets a little bumpy. i want to not have ibs. that's what i want for myself. i wanna drink regular, lactosey eggnog. and accupuncture. yeah. accupuncture and eggnog. if sof gets to have her own body then i get to have eggnog and accupuncture.

tuesday, september 24, 12:00 AM

i want to go to bed because i'm tired but i want to stay awake because coding is fun. i'll go to bed soon. i think i'm getting a little uncomfortable with how open we've all decided to be about the whole plurality thing. on one hand it's nice to be seen and it's nice to feel a little more accurately recognized for who we all are and how we all operate but at the same time it's simply not everyone's business. not that we're telling everyone but you get what i mean. i can't tell if i'm feeling anxious about money and making sure that we have enough of it or if i want for us to have a new job, either to add onto the existing one or like a full-time that takes up the day. jobs are hard to find here though. we'll keep looking. ari's been having a hard time but i think she doesn't want me talking about how bad it's gotten. today was better than the weekend, though. i don't want to say we're in the upswing because i don't wanna jinx shit but it's nice that today seemed a little easier for her. she likes this whole website thing. it's good for her. keeps her occupied.